I kind of had a down day.

I am surrounded by loved ones, the most important of those being my family members. They always love me, and I take real comfort in that. :)

God has also seen it fit to surround me with beautiful people who I love and who love me when I live away from home. It's such a blessing. :)

But sometimes, I trick myself into thinking that they don't actually care about me.

When I was really little, I was fearless. ...except around dogs. Dogs were my irrational fear for the first seventeen years of my life. But anyway, when I hit 7th grade, all confidence I had ran away faster than I had run away from any dog, and believe me, Ussein Bolt had NOTHING on my wheels when there a canine in hot pursuit.

Seriously though, I lost everything. I was afraid of everything. God still blessed me with wonderful people to call friends, but I was insecure, afraid of judgment, afraid of failure, and this all resulted in shyness and awkwardness. Eventually, little by little, I overcame some of that as I got into high school. God still blessed me with friends, but even then, I don't think they really valued me. Or, if they did, their actions sometimes suggested otherwise.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends, and I really was grateful for them, but there were things that they did that either A: drove me insane or B: really made me feel kind of worthless. The thing I hated most was that they had a way of walking all over me, particularly in speech. Growing up in a family of ten kids, you'd think I'd have learned how to make myself heard in a conversation, but when I was with my friends, being interrupted was something I was used to.

Now you're thinking, "Oh my gosh, Stephanie. Don't be such a baby! Everyone gets interrupted!" It's true. Everyone does. But when you only have three friends, you're trying to keep these friends, and you have an opinion you want to share or a story that you thought was super funny or sentiments that show that you totally relate to your friends but these friends never let you get a word out, this wears on you after a while. Honestly, it made me feel like they didn't value me. What I had to say wasn't worth listening to.

Anyway, as time went on, I grew and learned. I went on to my college years where I started to get some confidence back, I started developing a sense of self, and I started making friends. LOTS of friends. It was awesome! And the best part? They actually listened to me. Like people actually stop talking when I start talking. I try not to interrupt people (in fact, if I interrupt someone, I make it a point to always let them finish either before I start speaking or after I get a quick thought out while it's still relevant), but it was totally different. Kind of great!

Well today was kind of a down day. I have this group of friends, right? And we see each other often. One of them I wanted to be really good friends with, and I think it was fine at the beginning, but then she found someone newer and more exciting and it doesn't seem like she wants much to do with me anymore. She kind of ignores me.

The more exciting one is also in this group, and she tramples all over me. She interrupts me ALL. THE TIME. And I don't like it! It makes me feel like I'm beneath everyone! It was today, but it wasn't just today, it's every time she's around. I mean, maybe I just have bad timing in speech or maybe she's just bad at giving cues as to when she's done talking, but I can never get a word out around her! Or maybe she just doesn't care about what I say. Today, she did listen to one of my stories, so it's not terrible, I guess, but still. Being interrupted is one of my worst pet peeves because it makes me feel like I am nothing. Replaceable. Like if I'm still being interrupted, I'm obviously still shy-and-awkward Stephanie, who people like because I'm "sweet" (I got that a lot in high school when people wrote in my year book or had to write nice notes to everyone in the class), but they just don't like me as much as their cooler friends, who they'd much rather talk to and spend time with. Totally immature and totally not true, but in some form or another, that basic principle of thought goes through my mind.

And then today I found this quote from Elder Richard G. Scott:

"Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life."

That just went straight to my heart. My God listens. There's so much to be said of this statement, but the most important thing that I get from this is the God listens to me. I hope you get some idea of how comforting that is to me. God listens to me, even when no one else does. A small and simple truth that I don't think needs more explaining. God listens to me. :)

Truly, I am grateful for trials.
...but they're still hard.
...but I am grateful because I know that if I endure this well, I will be stronger.
I know that God loves me enough to try me, to show me my weaknesses, that we might work on making them strengths. Not erasing them, no. Actually turning them into strengths!

Step 1: Learn to love interrupting girl.
Step 2: Learn to forgive friend who has kinda pushed me away a bit.
Step 3: Stay close to my God, and converse with Him. Give my pains to my Savior, and continue to press forward. He'll take care of me. :)

Even when life gets a little bit harrder,

life is still good. :)

Some thoughts I had while studying my scriptures this morning that I thought were really cool.

Alma 61:13

"But behold he doth not command us that we shall subject ourselves to our enemies, but that we should put our trust in him, and he will deliver us."

This makes me think about this question:

Who's the enemy? 

What battle are we really fighting? Are we on God's side, seeking to defend our families, friends and loved ones, and bringing all souls to Christ; or are we fighting to hold on to sins and weaknesses that we don't want to give up yet?

How silly does that sound?

But it's a real thing.

I've seen and known people who would rather stay in the dark, where they think their sins and shortcomings are hidden. It can be a traumatic experience to come to church, thinking that they are in the spotlight for their imperfections.

Sometimes, I think they have a hard time accepting that they have these weaknesses and sins. To be completely honest with yourself and accept that you are imperfect

[a work in progress]

is a HARD THING, especially when it's easier to justify your behavior by blaming the situation or even other people for things that you should take accountability for.

Be 100% honest with yourself. Take accountability. Accept that you are growing and learning (as we ALL are), and then grow and learn. These sins, shortcomings and weaknesses? God will not suffer us to become subject to them. He will have us put our trust in Him, fighting our battles with Him on our side, and He will deliver us.

I think we all need to remember that.

life is good.

family is better.

God is great.

I love these girls more than they know! :)

I feel the need to create something... :)

LIFE IS TO BE LIVED!! GET OUT THERE! :)

AAAHHHHHH happiness. life. :)

time to live life. :)

life?

life is good. :)

Apparently 23 is age "sexy" :)

So I just went to my 5-year High School Reunion.

guys, it was weird.

I remember when I graduated high school that I couldn't WAIT for the reunion because I actually, legitimately loved high school.

I loved everything about it. Small post about those days here. :) But I really loved the people. Yeah, I only had four friends. But people were nice to me and I liked them, even though we didn't really talk (I was lacking in social skills at that point in my life) and we didn't hang out (social skills... also I was a home body). Leaving those people was sad for me. Does that make sense? No. Most people would agree that this sounds pathetic. I guess it is. But the way I see it, I was shy, they were nice, I liked them.

...guys, high school reunions are for people who had friends in high school.

Don't get me wrong, there were people there who greeted me with sincere smiles. One took the time to catch up with me for a bit. Two others actually remembered my name. One girl did all of this and even gave me a hug. :)

But mostly, this was weird. I sat there, awkwardly, hoping I could talk to these people. Hoping that we could all be friends and catch up on each others' lives and laugh and stuff like that. That sounds cheesy. But for real, that's what I wanted. What did I get? What you're all expecting- friends caught up with friends. Laughed and had good times. And I just sat there. Stephanie Fiso, the quiet one. The shy one. The awkward one. I reverted back to who I was in high school. I was terrified. I couldn't talk to these people. I had no friends to catch up with. I had Kristen, but we talk all the time. Jessica's on a mission, Ashleigh and I don't actually talk, and Chrisanne was probably with her fiance. Therefore, I had no one to talk to. IT WAS PAINFUL. I didn't want to be there! I should have tried to talk to people, but I failed... I didn't want to intrude. Who was I to suddenly strike up a good time with people I was never real friends with in high school?

I'm a runner! I ran a half marathon and a Ragnar last year, and I have another Ragnar and two more half marathons coming up! Guess what- I have friends! I gained social skills! I'm confident in who I am. I picked up the guitar. I love biking now. I play volleyball. I can be witty. I've learned life lessons... What do they care? How would they ever know?

Anyway, it was weird, and I'm disappointed in myself for coming so far in life (ha... I still have so far to go!) and then completely forgetting how much I've learned and progressed since high school.

I ain't going back to no 10-year reunion. If I can't talk to them now, how am I supposed to talk to them in five more years?

They're still great people doing great things. If I were to run into one of them (and only one at a time) later in a future ward or job or something, I'd be able to talk to them and we could be friends. But as a group... I just want to get away from high school now.

Welp, life is always good, guys. Life is always good.

I get the urge to blog... but I never do. Tonight I will!

I don't know why,

but I am currently obsessed

with the song

Human

by

The Killers.

lerrrrrrvveeee it. :)

Also,

I'm running a marathon in 3 weeks. :)

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)

And then I'm running a half marathon a week later...

haha...

guys, my body may hate me...

but then Ragnar's not until August.

sufficient time to rest up and train. :)

buuuudddddddddddyyyyyyy :) :) :)

Lastly.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. :)

I know it.

Not everyone does,

but seriously,

it gives my life wholeness.

Talk to me about it. :)

life?

life is good,

family is better,

and God loves you. :)

 

I've got the eye of the TIGER! :)

Hey you guys:

(hear in your head a sort of "hey you guys" that would resemble a certain line in The Goonies)

I've been thinking about stuffs lately,

and I want your input.

What would you say

gives someone

depth of character?

I have some thoughts that have been forming in my head about this,

but I want to hear your thoughts too.

Then I shall gather all of these thoughts together

and blog about it. :)

prease and fank you!

life?

life is good. :)

I sure love these people. :)

I am good enough.

I am a runner.

I have always been a runner.

It got hard,

I turned the world off,

and I ran.

I ran to hide.

I ran to avoid.

It got hard,

so I turned away

and I ran.

I'm afraid.

Then I learned to run.

Sometimes I run still to hide,

to shut everyone out,

to drown out all of my confusion,

my heartbreaks,

and my crazy.

[get away]

But mostly,

I run

to heal.

Running makes me happy.

Running helps to clear my desert-mountainous mind.

Running pushes me to do things I never thought I could ever do.

And right now,

I just wanna run.

life?

life is always good, love.

don't you ever forget it. :)

I miss spending so much time with my family. Especially Ink.

Small fact:

I love to drive.

Driving is one of my loves in life. :)

It relaxes me.

It lets me get away from things if I need to.

It takes me to amazing places. 

It's... a good thing. :)

Secret:

One of these days if I ever start dating anyone,

(according to my bishop: if "idiot boys" grow a pair and ask me on a date)

or even if this was a first date or something,

I think a boss date would be to just drive somewhere.

We don't have to go far

(though that would still be cool).

I would love if we just went and looked at sweet houses. :)

Love this line:

*ALERT: CHEESINESS AHEAD!*

(SOMETIMES, it's ok!)

"Take the keys to my car

and the keys to my heart

and just drive."

-The Band Perry

Driving is one of my favorite things to do. :)

...so is running.

Does this make me a runner, like in the figurative sense?

Answer: I think I always have been.

And now I actually, physically run.

FACE YOU FEARS. 

And eat Oreos. :)

life?

life is good. :)