Greetings.
If you’re out there, whoever you are, stranger or friend, maybe you can help me.
Do you ever struggle with figuring out when you’re being paranoid about something or trusting in a gut feeling? I’m speaking mostly of relationships with other people, but truth is truth and applies to all situations, so give me what you’ve got. I’ll expound a little more on my particular situation:
Sometimes, when making friends, I take a risk and do something to show them that I really like them/think they're awesome/want to be even better friends with them. Sometimes, there’s no response, or a less-than-enthusiastic response, in which case I figure that my risk didn’t pay off. Other times, it strengthens our friendship, and it’s awesome! Getting to be better friends is a wonderful thing!
le duh. :)
But anyway, sometimes, the response after me putting myself out there is kinda neutral… Like it’s good, but not great, but not bad by any means. That’s where I start to worry. I feel like I understand people pretty well, though I know full well that I don’t know everything. It’s this understanding mixed with uncertainty, mixed with my past and present social experiences that makes me so anxious. In the past, I didn’t really have refined social skills like so many of my peers. I simply just didn’t know how to act around most other people. I needed so badly to be accepted by others that I was afraid of what people thought of what I said or how I acted to the point that it crippled me. As a result, let’s just say that the masses weren’t beating the doors down to sit next to me at lunch. I was shy and insecure and self-conscious, and I didn’t think I was anything great. I got it stuck in my brain that people were nice to me because they felt obligated to be nice to me. Some were actually nice to me because they were great people (angel status, some of them!), but even then, I never felt like people actually sought to be my friend because they liked me so much. I hate writing that, because I don’t want to unintentionally speak ill of anyone saying that all nice acts toward me were forced and insincere. I also have a voice in my head that says, “STEPHANIE. THAT IS NOT TRUE.” But that’s what I honestly thought.
Anyway.
I’ve learned a little since then. In fact, I’ve learned a lot. And now I believe that people really do like being my friend. Well, I know that at least some of them do. ;) But because I’ve always kinda thought that in most cases, people were nice to me because it was the good thing to do, I still worry that sometimes that the kindness of others toward me is more out of civility and propriety than actual love (or ‘like’). Such is the case when I get that neutral response after a risky leap to a deeper level of friendship. Sometimes I worry about this even when I get a good, but not great response from the other person. I know that everyone is different and shows emotion in different ways. But I kinda freak out! If it’s not a definite, “THEY FREAKIN LOVE ME!” kind of response, I think, “Ah crap… maybe we’re not that good of friends yet… Maybe they don’t like me… Maybe they’re just being nice to me, but they don’t actually like me as much as I like them…”
It’s crazy status, I know. But how do I know if I’m being paranoid or if it’s a gut feeling that things aren’t really going to work out with the relationship in question? Does anyone else relate? …probably. I hope this is normal. Everyone has a little crazy inside them, right? If not… anyone know a good therapist? ;) (side note: I’ve never talked to a therapist before, but I know a bunch of people who have and I think it’s AWESOME. Seriously.)
K here’s where we come back to the ground: If, in fact, the other person does really like having me around as a better friend, then everything will be ok! I don’t have to worry! That period of waiting to see if they do anything to show me that they think I’m awesome just like I think they’re awesome will pass and I’ll be fine. And I’ll have stronger friendships. :) If they’re just being nice… I’ll get over it. I’ll make other friends. Time will pass and we probably won’t really see each other again (not necessarily because they don’t like me, it may just be that we take very different paths), but the pain of losing a potential friendship that I really want for now will lessen as I go on to forge some true, lasting friendships. Plus, I already HAVE true and lasting friendships. I’ll always have someone to turn to, no matter where I go. Yes, it’s nice to have friends in every place in my life (work, church, etc.), but I have my family, I have my other friends, and I have God, all who I value immensely, so why do I freak out so much? :)
I’ll keep you posted on how this all shakes out (kinda going through one of these freak-out sessions at the moment and figured that blogging about it would be cathartic), but if anyone has any advice for me or anyone else who might potentially come across this post and the comments on it, by all means, please share. :)
Life?
Life is good. Family is better. God is great. :)
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